I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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