My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
