Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
