why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
