you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
