last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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