nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
