our cab driver is having phone sex.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
