i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
