Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
