I can text with my tongue
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
