if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
