Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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