her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
