i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
