Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
