every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just pee around me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
