I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
