Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
