Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
