I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
