rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
