He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
