we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
