How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Congratulations! We have a period
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