12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
