He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
