did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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