if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
