is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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