Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
false alarm. still invincible.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Be still, my beating vagina.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Randomize
