That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
