I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
