I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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