My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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