I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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