Your dad touched me again.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
