you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
