I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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