Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
