never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
