i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
