I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
