a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
