so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
