No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
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I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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