I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
