If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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