im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
