This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
