Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so explain again why im purple
no
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
