Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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