6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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