It's Friday. Sex?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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