last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
