it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
