omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
