I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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