New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
